Woah. It's already 2014. My last post was back in 2013, and I uphold this blog only so I don't have to forget it and let it die like all my other forgotten blogs. Did I even make those blogs I wonder? My life is so easily forgotten, those small memories. I heard that memories stay and are seen as the way you last thought about them. Those blogs that I have made, oh, I don't remember at all. Seems like if I did make them, It's been a very long time since I've thought about them.
Memories make my life feel so fragile. Everything seems so fragile, so easily disintegrated and if I'm not careful, ping, and it all shatters to pieces, scattered on the floor, flying in the wind. Like the petals in the Hana to Usagi manga. I've gotten so hooked up on yaoi this past year, it's leaking out of my pours.
When I say everything, I really mean relationships. Okay maybe literally everything. But relationships are key for me right now. I feel that in life, people, friends, they so easily drift in and out, they come and they say goodbye, even if I put my all into making those relationships. It's hi and bye. I've never been in a, say, relationship-relationship, but the friendships, and family-ships, and acquaintanceships; they are all so easily broken. Is this my fault? It probably is.
I just wish I could bundle everyone up, put them in a box and... then what? No, that's just creepy. But farewells are bitter and sorrowful, and I don't want to have it in me to accept. I don't want to try saying good bye. Not after all this mate.
You see, I spend so much time thinking about my friends and family, but suddenly they can just up and leave. I know that later on I'll forget, but it hurts at the present and it's a pain I don't want to go through.
You know, people are so easily able to say goodbye if it suits them. But what about the other end? I feel like I could cry in the corner at any time, but I can't. I literally can't pull those tear ducts. I feel my relaxed lips tremble, forcing itself into a tight frown, eyebrows knitting together, deep breath, and my eyes well up as if I had smelt something terrible. But no actual, moist, salty tears. They just don't come out.
The internet makes it seem so easy to connect, but it feels harder. Harder that I don't see their face as I talk to them, can't evaluate how they feel when I say something. It's as if sticking a tiny face makes it better to understand but those things are so disposable. I want to talk face to face. My computer will never laugh in your stead.
And I myself is so easily swayed by the wind. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I want to quit, I want to fight, I want to be happy. I want to make myself happy. But somehow, there's an invisible blockade. I want, I want, I want. Everyone has an infinite amount of wants, and once you fulfil one, another comes in to fill the hole. I need to be happy? Or I have to be happy. I don't know. Oh woe is me.
I hope I can maintain those relationships however. I feel as though a boyfriend (ha!) is someone who would stay with you for a very long time, but I can I deal with that type of work just yet with school and the relationships I have now? Let's not joke here, I know I can't handle that much.
I'll see what I can do once the exams are over. Jokes, they aren't ever over. The tests keep coming, a rolling barrel under my dancing feet.
