Careful

I'm going to be much more careful this time when writing this post on the ipad. very careful.

So anyway, i tried changing my earrings back to the original. Supposedly, the left ear is the bad ear and the right ear is the good ear as of right now since it popped out due to pus and maybe infection. Scary right? It's just going to get more disgusting though. Well i tried to replace the other side for easier cleaning, and it was just terrible. The old earring went in and poked the skin on the back. So that it couldn't get through the other side. So it was like poking a film and you could see the pointing object there. It was gross. More pus. A little blood. Shaky hands and  determination for penetration. But then i gave up and went back to the earrings i were using, which had a lack plastic backing. It seemed hard to clean so that's why i tried to change it. It went through after a bit of work but i'm not touching my piercings for another 6 months.

Today i didnt read much manga except catching up on cherry boy, that girl. Damn is this webtoon good. I've never read one before that and it got me hooked. I'm waiting on the updates like a lap dog and i was so excited about the latest update. Too bad the updates aren't up to the 100+ releases on korean but i'll wait like i am for himegoto, uniforms for 19 year olds.

I also had a huge fight with my mother. She had said she wouldn't touch my desk, my only personal space, due to past incidents of her throwing away precious memorabilia i kept so far in my life and other stuff and me getting mad every time i realise i've lost something close to my heart. Materialistic? Yeah, but throwing them out just makes me more clingier and frantic.

But today she did, and organised it to her liking, which made my work table more clunkier than before and taking away things i made with my own hands in favour of cleanliness. Throwing all my belongings in a box on my table is one thing, but denying the right for me to reorganise it by taking out some more important things to place on my table is another.  By trying to restrict my control of my things to a zero, i tried to explain, and broke down crying. It's kind of a reflex now since it's happened so many times. She continued to ignore me and go on with cleaning somewhere else. I got more stressed out and she whipped out my knitting needle and threatened to hit me with it.

This is where things get a bit crazy. The last time she did this, she said that if i aggravate her more, she could hit and never stop. I knew what this meant, lashes upon lashes across my back and arms as i cowered away to protect the rest of me. And its whips against whips until she huffs and puffs and fall back to take a rest. It's happened a total 2 or 3 times. After the warning though, occasionally i think up what I would do if she tried it again. I'm getting smarter at this. I run through what i would do so I would be prepared the next and not just let it happen. I resolved that the next time, If she came close enough, i would defend myself physically.

When she had my knitting needle raised. She bent it a bit from how quickly she got it out. I stopped crying, and stopped listening. She was angry, and I wasn't as terrified as i thought i would have been, maybe because i thought about it a lot. I grabbed the needle out of her hand, and held it up horizontally to create a wall between us. Usually I use my forearm for this. She took the other part of the pair and raised it up. I almost laughed because it looked like we were in a sword fight. But reality stuck and i just got angrier instead. She advanced towards me. I stepped back. I held my ground and i think she stopped and called me evil? i think. It gets a bit blurred here. She called me a devil and said I should move out and whatever. It's the same jabber every time. She goes back to fixing me table, and somehow I just got so pissed off.

I shook and smashed my needle down on to the table, bending it. That was unexpectedly strong and she stopped working, and called me out of acting and lying to scare her. But i was legitimately a whorl of emotions. I held up the bent needle and spun it to point at her in case she tries to hit me suddenly. She wasn't, but instead tried to hold a happy demeanour and inch away to a less enclosed area, much like i used to. i threw my weapon away and told her to just leave my space alone. To just stop it. Because she had been leading up to this point for a while, hinting and when it happened, I was having none of it. I held my hands up like i was about to strangle her. instinct? I did this as i cried and yelled at her to give me space. I don't have anywhere to actually be by myself in the house. It's really just the toilet. So that table was a part of me, kind of.

But when she said she would not touch my table again i stopped completely and went to sit down and
 Chill with whatever i had been doing before then. She left my table alone after that and went to sit down to call me names and tell me i was going to become a african child when i died via bhudda. Saying that nobody loved me. But it was fine, and i was just happy she was going to leave me alone.

Firsts

I thought apple safari backstabbed me in the face my deleting this post. So i wrote out a powerpoint slide for today because I was too lazy to rewrite it. But turned it was saved as a DRAFT. Thank the gods. Oh my god. My day is saved.

So here is the original.

I'm not sure about today. Just went shopping at DFO for the first time, had first Hot star chicken which was really good and went out at a korean resturant which was also a first.

Also I remembered a dream from the night which trew me in a loop. I remembered that I dreamed that I was kissed for the first time and it felt fucking vivid. Like even though I don't remember who is was, it could have been a girl or guy, where it was or how I ended up in that situation, but I was fucking kissed in my dream for the first fucking time. I remembered that I thought it was unexpectedly soft and I had never thought it would feel like this. Maybe I kissed something while I was asleep but it felt like lips? Hahaha.  I hope not.

Doubt my first real kiss would come anytime soon though. I don't even know any guys personally my age. Too much antisocialness. For heaven's sake, I don't even go on tumblr anymore, I just fangirl alone. 

I guess the dream came from reading orange marmalade then the kiss almost happened and I was so excited about it. For now I'll just wonder what a kiss would actually be like, though i'm just embarrassed thinking about it. 

Also 12 vies are quite annoying. 

Firsts TL;DR

I am so angry i just flipped over to another page to find a picture for this post and my whole block of text was wiped!!!

Fuck safari and Apple!!!!

So I'll just run down a TL;DR of what my day was like.

*dfo first time
*korean resturant first time
*hot star chicken first time
*dreamed one fucking vivid dream of me being kissed for the first time. I only remember the feeling though- pretty soft. IT FELT REAL asdfgahsklsjsgfvwrjhbfv FEELS MAN.
*orange marmalade probably promted kiss dream

Also reminder to self, this is just a diary so years from now I know what i did on days in my life. maybe i can share to my spawn.