So when I watched this, I watched this on a whim. I didn't know what it was about, or anything about it at all. So I didn't have high expectations really. I just heard of the name somewhere and decided to watch it. Any, boy, I don't regret that decision at all.
This movie was basically all laughs. Yep, it was funnier than expected. It's that kind of humor that's absolutely silly, and that's what I loved about it. Even though it was predictable and that the movie was kinda stupid, it was fun.
Haruna is a student who vowed on something on her entering senior high; that she would quit soft ball and focus all her energy on finding love. Before, she gave it her all for softball, and now she wanted to change. But things are harder than she thought, as she had no fashion or sense of appeal. So she hired a coach! Yoh is a popular guy who she met on chance. But Yoh agreed only on one condition; that Haruna was not allowed to fall in love with him.
Based on a shoujo manga, this live action was pretty cartoonish and silly. And absolutely cheesy. But all the more loveable for it.
So I forgot all about this blog. In 2016 I was in year 11, excited for my final high school camp which may have involved boys, and readying myself for the torrent of exams about to come to conclude another chapter in my life. A lot happened, maybe I reflect on them later, for no one to see.
When I first started this blog, apparently in 2013, I was addicted to Japanese dramas. Sure, manga is great an all, but I didn't care to sit a couple hours over anime when I could read the original material and imagine the story how I and the creator wanted it to be. But dramas allowed me to dip into a guilty pleasure my family didn't allow- being able to ogle at handsome guys.
I never really found any guys handsome back then, and didn't develop any rabid fangirl obsessions over kpop idols. But for some reason, I saw one guy in a japanese drama and fell right in love. From there, I watched most of his dramas and started to see the others in that season. Slowly, my watch time increased and I was definitely in love with a couple handsome actors at once. Also really loved this one band (ViViD - jrock) but they've disbanded now :(
One of the first guys I was obsessed with was Matsuda Shota. AHHHHH Still hot ;)
Then I liked Yamashita Tomohisa. I even have all his music.
Kamenashi Kazuya
Takeru Satoh
Park Seo Joon (I like korean dramas too)
Kim Seok Jin (and BTS)
... Do you know my type yet?? Haha please tell me, because I don't really know. Actually seeing them like this, they all look a little similar LOL. And I KNOW I'm in love with fantasies. Their personalities on TV and shows aren't the real them, but I allow myself to fill in the gaps myself and create a dream for myself.
Side note: I don't imagine anything sexual with my idols. I like watching them on shows but nothing else. >__< I like to admire from afar. Also I like guys with earrings :))
Anyway there you have it. I'm straight. Also I had a crush on someone for about 5 years because I went to an all girls school and never saw any other real life guys to direct my infatuation towards. I did see them at camp but didn't strike up the courage to say anything. After that, I've come close to a couple guys but we have drifted away, mainly because I don't have the courage or maturity to advance any further. Those experience I don't regret or wish for anything more however because I really wasn't ready.
Even now, I'm not. Being self conscious, I don't feel like I would be enough for anyone anyway. I'm definitely not smart enough to uphold any good conversations. I'm lazy and don't have any crazy aspirations. I don't have any cool hobbies and skills. I'm boring. I'm shy. I don't like going out that much. I like being alone and weird. I'm not pretty. I'm awkward as hell. I'll neglect any poor boy that comes my way. Also I think someone might like me. More on that later.
Somehow looking at this blog and trying to write something for this blog makes my chest hurt. It's a mental hurt. It's a physical hurt. It's an overarching sadness that makes me want to cry right now but I won't. Maybe it's because it's the end of the holidays and I'm scrambling to finish my homework.
But I think I'm regretting really hard right now and all can I can do is wallow in this regret, embarrassment, worry, annoyance and shyness by myself for a while. I have been for a while. Hope it ends soon so I can carry myself on without this cloud over my head.
I like this song. Also I stupidly used cold turkey and pressed something at it blocked a LOT of my favourite sites for a month. Could this be a chance to change?
Aye, it's not often a movie makes me so unstable. This was a pretty good movie and honestly, if I could go through it all again I would. The first thing I think when I think about this movie is that it's a psychological thriller that weaves between perspectives. It never felt like it was 2 hours.
It's about a middle school teacher whose 5 year old daughter drowns in a pool. The hang up is that she believes that it was a murder by some of her classmates. Without spoiling too much, it delves into the perspectives of people who have in some way been affected by this tragedy, twisted together by a cruel string of fate.
Watch it as soon as you can. It's pretty amazing, and the ending is just perfect for this. I myself would have loved a little more closure, but hey, I'd love to see the rest of their lives to be honest, so this ending is appropriate. It's fucked up and twisted, which in my opinion pretty lovely.
The soundtrack was nice to listen to. It fit the tone, but I watched it long ago, so I can't remember it. But it fit the tone of the movie, and it's sad blue overlay.
I guess I'm doing the cliche thing here: I'm making visiting my cringy ass blog, with the intention to write a new post most days or something as 'therapy'. I know the last post was the day I was fucking abused by my mum or something but I don't want to read it. it was more than a year ago, and I lost has changed. Year 11 fucking changed me.
I guess I have a list in my mind of what I want to write about. I do. I think, that hopefully, this blog won't be read by many, and is just a little corner, not even a corner but a millimetre square of space on the net for me to write my feelings and shit down. Hopefully it helps slow down the process I'm going through right now. I can feel myself growing duller by the second, and I'm afraid I might be a shell before HSC ends.
Today I had my first driving lesson. I felt somewhat calm, even cosy in the driver's seat. The constant looking around thing makes me feel so paranoid, and the dramatic turning I do where I spin the wheel twice over to go around the curve just feels so wrong yet so right. Don't know if I'm doing it right, or when's the next time I get behind that wheel but I'm excited.
Started learning guitar on my own, though with Justin of course. It's swell so far. What's discouraging is the buzzing made by the strings when I make a chord, but I've gone too far for these hardened fingertips to stop.
Woke up at 12:55pm today. I'm fucked, that's why I'm here. Maybe I should post my dreams that I've had. I wrote them last holiday.
That's all. Also I like nail polish and skincare now.
I'm going to be much more careful this time when writing this post on the ipad. very careful.
So anyway, i tried changing my earrings back to the original. Supposedly, the left ear is the bad ear and the right ear is the good ear as of right now since it popped out due to pus and maybe infection. Scary right? It's just going to get more disgusting though. Well i tried to replace the other side for easier cleaning, and it was just terrible. The old earring went in and poked the skin on the back. So that it couldn't get through the other side. So it was like poking a film and you could see the pointing object there. It was gross. More pus. A little blood. Shaky hands and determination for penetration. But then i gave up and went back to the earrings i were using, which had a lack plastic backing. It seemed hard to clean so that's why i tried to change it. It went through after a bit of work but i'm not touching my piercings for another 6 months.
Today i didnt read much manga except catching up on cherry boy, that girl. Damn is this webtoon good. I've never read one before that and it got me hooked. I'm waiting on the updates like a lap dog and i was so excited about the latest update. Too bad the updates aren't up to the 100+ releases on korean but i'll wait like i am for himegoto, uniforms for 19 year olds.
I also had a huge fight with my mother. She had said she wouldn't touch my desk, my only personal space, due to past incidents of her throwing away precious memorabilia i kept so far in my life and other stuff and me getting mad every time i realise i've lost something close to my heart. Materialistic? Yeah, but throwing them out just makes me more clingier and frantic.
But today she did, and organised it to her liking, which made my work table more clunkier than before and taking away things i made with my own hands in favour of cleanliness. Throwing all my belongings in a box on my table is one thing, but denying the right for me to reorganise it by taking out some more important things to place on my table is another. By trying to restrict my control of my things to a zero, i tried to explain, and broke down crying. It's kind of a reflex now since it's happened so many times. She continued to ignore me and go on with cleaning somewhere else. I got more stressed out and she whipped out my knitting needle and threatened to hit me with it.
This is where things get a bit crazy. The last time she did this, she said that if i aggravate her more, she could hit and never stop. I knew what this meant, lashes upon lashes across my back and arms as i cowered away to protect the rest of me. And its whips against whips until she huffs and puffs and fall back to take a rest. It's happened a total 2 or 3 times. After the warning though, occasionally i think up what I would do if she tried it again. I'm getting smarter at this. I run through what i would do so I would be prepared the next and not just let it happen. I resolved that the next time, If she came close enough, i would defend myself physically.
When she had my knitting needle raised. She bent it a bit from how quickly she got it out. I stopped crying, and stopped listening. She was angry, and I wasn't as terrified as i thought i would have been, maybe because i thought about it a lot. I grabbed the needle out of her hand, and held it up horizontally to create a wall between us. Usually I use my forearm for this. She took the other part of the pair and raised it up. I almost laughed because it looked like we were in a sword fight. But reality stuck and i just got angrier instead. She advanced towards me. I stepped back. I held my ground and i think she stopped and called me evil? i think. It gets a bit blurred here. She called me a devil and said I should move out and whatever. It's the same jabber every time. She goes back to fixing me table, and somehow I just got so pissed off.
I shook and smashed my needle down on to the table, bending it. That was unexpectedly strong and she stopped working, and called me out of acting and lying to scare her. But i was legitimately a whorl of emotions. I held up the bent needle and spun it to point at her in case she tries to hit me suddenly. She wasn't, but instead tried to hold a happy demeanour and inch away to a less enclosed area, much like i used to. i threw my weapon away and told her to just leave my space alone. To just stop it. Because she had been leading up to this point for a while, hinting and when it happened, I was having none of it. I held my hands up like i was about to strangle her. instinct? I did this as i cried and yelled at her to give me space. I don't have anywhere to actually be by myself in the house. It's really just the toilet. So that table was a part of me, kind of.
But when she said she would not touch my table again i stopped completely and went to sit down and Chill with whatever i had been doing before then. She left my table alone after that and went to sit down to call me names and tell me i was going to become a african child when i died via bhudda. Saying that nobody loved me. But it was fine, and i was just happy she was going to leave me alone.
I thought apple safari backstabbed me in the face my deleting this post. So i wrote out a powerpoint slide for today because I was too lazy to rewrite it. But turned it was saved as a DRAFT. Thank the gods. Oh my god. My day is saved.
So here is the original.
I'm not sure about today. Just went shopping at DFO for the first time, had first Hot star chicken which was really good and went out at a korean resturant which was also a first.
Also I remembered a dream from the night which trew me in a loop. I remembered that I dreamed that I was kissed for the first time and it felt fucking vivid. Like even though I don't remember who is was, it could have been a girl or guy, where it was or how I ended up in that situation, but I was fucking kissed in my dream for the first fucking time. I remembered that I thought it was unexpectedly soft and I had never thought it would feel like this. Maybe I kissed something while I was asleep but it felt like lips? Hahaha. I hope not.
Doubt my first real kiss would come anytime soon though. I don't even know any guys personally my age. Too much antisocialness. For heaven's sake, I don't even go on tumblr anymore, I just fangirl alone.
I guess the dream came from reading orange marmalade then the kiss almost happened and I was so excited about it. For now I'll just wonder what a kiss would actually be like, though i'm just embarrassed thinking about it.
I am so angry i just flipped over to another page to find a picture for this post and my whole block of text was wiped!!!
Fuck safari and Apple!!!!
So I'll just run down a TL;DR of what my day was like.
*dfo first time *korean resturant first time *hot star chicken first time *dreamed one fucking vivid dream of me being kissed for the first time. I only remember the feeling though- pretty soft. IT FELT REAL asdfgahsklsjsgfvwrjhbfv FEELS MAN. *orange marmalade probably promted kiss dream
Also reminder to self, this is just a diary so years from now I know what i did on days in my life. maybe i can share to my spawn.
I know that by the end of the season, pretty much everyone knows what it is. And let me be honest, but guiltily, i held this as a kinda secret guilty pleasure, watching it alone and never discussing it with anyone, throwing away all my brain cells and education, and just watched it religiously each week. No matter how bad things were, I only looked at the good parts and enjoyed myself. Yup. All its cute moments, fangirly parts, THE LOT, I just threw myself in.
Does that make sense? I know people think My cinderella was kinda stupid and the plot sucked and blah blah blah, but I watched it for the enjoyment factor, okay?!?! I watched it because I wanted to let go all criticism and just watch with as much enthusiasm as I could. And to be honest, I enjoyed this show a little too much. And though my insides squealed each time I saw a new episode, to be frank, my intellectual side did start surfacing, and a tiny voice was calling to me; that this show was inevitably and uncontrollably going downhill.
First impressions~
Ohh man. When I first saw this, I dismissed it completely. Because
1) it looked kinda stupid somehow, partly because I had always thought romances were a bit stupid (I was kinda new at watching j dramas, so I didn't really know what I wanted, and I'M SORRY!! Romances aren't stupid!! @-@ Don't bash me for it)
2) the plot seemed Meh
and
3) I just wasn't all that excited when I saw the trailer either.
But I watched it because I saw how popular it was (oh, the influences that masses of people have), and I thought that it was funny, kinda cute and that Haruma Miura isn't all that bad looking. But from the start I pretty much just shipped Rintaro and Sakura because Hiroto was pretty much a jerk. Though his character did start growing on me and my ship shifted towards Hiroto about midway.
At first, I loved how energetic Sakura was with everything, and her friendship with Shima and Miki was something that was beloved and awesome. But the thing that hit me hard was that Sakura and Hiroto was way too cuddly but never close, like the way she was with Rintaro. I mean, all the scenes felt like it was Hiroto and Sakura just cuddling, kissing and then more cuddling. They didn't really share anything except for the feel of each other. It was always her and Rintaro talking together, and she was much more comfortable with him. So thinking back, there was always a thin air of awkwardness between Sakura and Hiroto. I think it would have been much more logical if she saw Rintaro as a man earlier, than just a frienemy. I guess Hiroto's youth and straightforwardness overshadowed what a great guy Rintaro was.
I just had a thought that it's human nature to go for the 'best person' that you can get so you can get better offspring, and maybe it's like that. :| But still, Rintaro....
My problem with Rintaro was that he was too naive and denying of his feelings for Sakura. If he had accepted it earlier, it wouldn't have ended with her and Hiroto. Seriously. It annoyed me further that EVERYONE ELSE saw through him, and yet he left it too late. In the end, he was kinda like a best friend and was just too good to have Sakura when Hiroto was already in her heart.
And the last episode was pretty disappointing for that reason. It sucked, because Sakura and Rintarou seemed well together, and spent most of that episode have a meaningful relationship, only to spend that last 2 minutes snogging Hiroto. Sorry if my opinion here threw you off because I'm writing this months after I started this haha.
Yesterday family plus extended family when to a sport club to enjoy new years. Turns out it was a bunch of older people having drinks and dancing to music from a long time ago. I especially liked "smooth operator" but I didn't dance.
The food was overpriced, not really good. Asian salad and Peking duck pancakes were too sweet and minuscule!. Like just two small roll ups and a sauce bowl of salad. That was just silly. I liked the smoked salmon salad though. I've never had smoked salmon. The main dished were my source of disappointment though. The meat was way too hard. I mean, I expected tender from watching tv shows and I could barely saw through with my knife. After I did though, when I popped it in my mouth it was like chewing a rubber toy? Way too hard. At this point I was wondering whether this was just European cuisine. The chocolate dessert was way better than the mango one as well. Like the chocolate one had a mini macaroon and tasted like coffee. The mango one was just cheesy with mango and coconut. Pretty uneventful.
The biscuits were nice too.
That NYE party was pretty awkward at first. I mean, it was just us Asians amongst a large crowd of old white people. We were seated unexpectedly with a couple who left early. It was just awkward. So strange. Since our family s used to mingling with other Asians, and we were really just there for the food.
We stayed for the fireworks on the tv however, and it was a sight to see everyone jump up to kiss and hug each other when the clock hit. They looked like they were having so much fun.
After that we went home and the car buzzed with conversation. Mine consisted of the quality of food with my cousin.
And at 1:30 I arrived home and tried to clear away my head by reading manga. Thought I'd start off the year with 'Bitter virgin',
Okay so before going to that party, I read Watashitachi no shiawase na Jikan. And oh my god it was amazing. I really, really almost cried. It was heartbreaking, and I just felt so connected to it. It's short and is definitely worth a read. I want to talk more about it but I don't want to spoil.
Bitter virgin was not as good, but it was great. Not phenomenal, and maybe because I've spent the last few days reading sad and messed up mangas, but this still hurt. The ending where *Spoilers*
They both think they wont stay with each other forever
it's just
well, they just don't have enough faith in themselves, and that they can only cling to their time together while 'knowing' they they both aren't good enough.
After all of the events, can't you just be happy with each other?!
It sort of reminds me of the Jdorama Last friends.
Today is the first day of the year. I'm liking it so far, I woke up so late and I'm listening to some old songs that I have loved for a long time.
LM.C's 88 is what's playing on repeat right now. Somehow I feel hopeful when I listen to it because of the melody.
I'm also afraid that next year will be my year for HSC. It scares me, and the pressure from family is growing. I think everyday that I should start studying but I don't. I just can't sit down long enough to work. But it makes me so afraid that I can't catch up. And as the holidays come to a close, I get more panicked.
Nothing much else I did today. It's the holidays after all, and it's been quite uneventful. Today I was meant to go out to DFO but mother was too tired to go and so we all stayed home. Also maybe listen to this while you read, the theme song is so catchy I'll probably pick up the manga actually.
So instead of going out, I read A lollipop or a bullet, a short manga, and damn, that hit hard. It was so sad and even though I at least expected it, the tension built up really killed me. It was tragic really. I have a hard time remembering names so was it Mokuku? Her circumstances, wow, I felt really bad even though it was expected. But the fear of what her father was capable of- that was some great storytelling right there. Tear jerker, would have cried like a baby if I had the freedom to.
After that it was All you need is kill. I heard about the movie "The edge of tomorrow" but no much. I mean, hearing that an American adaptation was made for a manga? It was shocking when I first heard about it and once again I was interested in All you need is kill. I've seen people have it on their book shelves on the manga Reddit, but I never delved into it. I wasn't interested in mecha or brainless brawling. Like if it had some sort of deep meaning, no matter how cliche or whatever, I would go get it. Though I might change one day.
But All you need is kill was short and wasn't just brainless fighting. I didn't know there were going to be
*SPOILERS*
time loops and stuff. And the part where Rita was actually also stuck in a loop as well?? Amazing. But it was way too short. Apparently a light novel sequel is being written though. Hopefully the mangaka could pick that up too. Props to them as well since I recognised their art style, like was is death note or Bakuman? I'm really glad someone like them picked it up.
I hope the movie "the edge of tomorrow" is similar to the plot and they didn't change too much. I've read two comments about it and so far so good.
And ohmigod Ore Monogatari is so fucking sweet I just love it so.
You know, I try to never say that I'm bored. And I try. Because once I read that only 'boring' people get bored. But honestly, during this state of 'nothingness' that I seem to be within, I can feel a faint bickering, that urges me to do greater things for myself instead of just hanging out here. Like studying.
Does that make me boring? I guess it does... since all I've done so far was read horror and shoujo and crossdressing and yaoi mangas and I've finished so many series' that I'e lost track of the day of the week. What am I doing with my life? I've made the excuse of having to 'relax', but I've had enough.
Today I went shopping with my family. I was somewhat happy, just to spend time with them. I've avoided contact with friends for the most part. Every time the holiday comes, I fall into this period where I avoid them. Not long ago I walked into a shop to buy earrings but back out after seeing the profile of an old school mate. We were never close, but I left either way. I wonder if she noticed me, and I hope that my sudden turn around could have just been thought of as me being in a rush.
It's a shame I can't openly express myself. I have roast port belly today and it was delicious. I learnt how to make it today. Not that I made it.
Woah. It's already 2014. My last post was back in 2013, and I uphold this blog only so I don't have to forget it and let it die like all my other forgotten blogs. Did I even make those blogs I wonder? My life is so easily forgotten, those small memories. I heard that memories stay and are seen as the way you last thought about them. Those blogs that I have made, oh, I don't remember at all. Seems like if I did make them, It's been a very long time since I've thought about them.
Memories make my life feel so fragile. Everything seems so fragile, so easily disintegrated and if I'm not careful, ping, and it all shatters to pieces, scattered on the floor, flying in the wind. Like the petals in the Hana to Usagi manga. I've gotten so hooked up on yaoi this past year, it's leaking out of my pours.
When I say everything, I really mean relationships. Okay maybe literally everything. But relationships are key for me right now. I feel that in life, people, friends, they so easily drift in and out, they come and they say goodbye, even if I put my all into making those relationships. It's hi and bye. I've never been in a, say, relationship-relationship, but the friendships, and family-ships, and acquaintanceships; they are all so easily broken. Is this my fault? It probably is.
I just wish I could bundle everyone up, put them in a box and... then what? No, that's just creepy. But farewells are bitter and sorrowful, and I don't want to have it in me to accept. I don't want to try saying good bye. Not after all this mate.
You see, I spend so much time thinking about my friends and family, but suddenly they can just up and leave. I know that later on I'll forget, but it hurts at the present and it's a pain I don't want to go through.
You know, people are so easily able to say goodbye if it suits them. But what about the other end? I feel like I could cry in the corner at any time, but I can't. I literally can't pull those tear ducts. I feel my relaxed lips tremble, forcing itself into a tight frown, eyebrows knitting together, deep breath, and my eyes well up as if I had smelt something terrible. But no actual, moist, salty tears. They just don't come out.
The internet makes it seem so easy to connect, but it feels harder. Harder that I don't see their face as I talk to them, can't evaluate how they feel when I say something. It's as if sticking a tiny face makes it better to understand but those things are so disposable. I want to talk face to face. My computer will never laugh in your stead.
And I myself is so easily swayed by the wind. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I want to quit, I want to fight, I want to be happy. I want to make myself happy. But somehow, there's an invisible blockade. I want, I want, I want. Everyone has an infinite amount of wants, and once you fulfil one, another comes in to fill the hole. I need to be happy? Or I have to be happy. I don't know. Oh woe is me.
I hope I can maintain those relationships however. I feel as though a boyfriend (ha!) is someone who would stay with you for a very long time, but I can I deal with that type of work just yet with school and the relationships I have now? Let's not joke here, I know I can't handle that much.
I'll see what I can do once the exams are over. Jokes, they aren't ever over. The tests keep coming, a rolling barrel under my dancing feet.
I'm realizing that now I'm halfway till graduation. I don't want to think about all that stuff like working and what not yet, but I wonder what kind of adult I will be (Kinda like PunPun!). Soon in term 4, I'll be doing my duke of ed walks in weeks 2 and 4, followed by a year 9 camp. Then off to year 10, where I have to choose my career and go to formal. This thought about formal is definitely influenced by Formal Wars. And then year 11 and camp, along with year 12. I wonder if you can guess my school? I won't tell ya yet, mainly because I'm still highly paranoid about people find out. I haven't touched this blog in a LOOOOOONG time. I feel kinda bad. It's 2am and I don't want to do my assignment, which I have decided to restart. I'm not tires because I've had several naps today.
Honestly, all I can think of now are the camps I have this year because there are so many!! I'm somewhat happy but the year 9 camp has less people going than I thought there would be. But the thing I'm looking most forward to is the year 11 one (thinking very ahead you see), since I really want to be in snow, having only been as close to it as being with ice.
Anyway, life reflection over, need work done! I hope I can find some good fluffy romance mangas soon with very nicely drawn art. Now, not fluffy as in boy on boy, I just want a shoujo. Lately all I've been reading are psychological and stuff like that that dwelves into the human mind. It's interesting, frightening and morbid unfortunately. Like homunculus, which is the one I'm reading right now. Anyway before that I was reading Onani Master Kurosawa, or Master of masturbation Kurosawa. It turned out to be really good and I even read the short light novel. It's not what you think it it, but travels with Kurosawa as he changes himself for redemption. It's surprisingly heartwarming. I've also got my eyes on molester man, a parody of densha otoko, which is a drama I watched a while ago. So if you knew that drama, you would know that chikan otoko has now actual molesting. But I want a cute touching story with not too cliche characters, but enough to send me happiness. Does that make me sound stupid? Yeah, I thought so. I'm extremely tired right now though. For maybe another half hour I'll sit here listening to my playlist. This season's dramas kinda sucked as well. Woman was good, I watched Starman as well, which I thought was average and Limit because first I intended to read as a manga but the scanlators have a pole of their arses so I can't and was halted halfway. Hanazawa was not bad either. I fell in love with yamada kun to 7 nin no majo, but now for me the manga is much better. It's actually a really fun read. Also yankee kun to megane chan is amazing as well. I going for comedic value here mainly.
